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Spank-O-Matic II, Hand Control
Spank-O-Matic II, Disassembled
Enlighten: Find Truth Through the Competition's Lies
This page once documented a series of quotes from the Robospanker site about the supposed dangers of air compressors, paired with a factual view written by me countering each claim. However, the DD Machinery folks have a habit of quietly removing their wacky claims, presumably upon the realization that a particular one isn't convincing anyone, and adding new links and claims in a continuous hunt for something with traction. With a thriving market established for the SOM II systems, I've decided to transition this page to address general themes, so it doesn't matter the exact words they're using at a given time. They beat the same few drums, because those are the only instruments in the Robospanker band.
This whole approach to marketing their product against mine is quite fascinating. Attacking compressors instead of any actual product comparison speaks volumes about their view of the performance of the SOM II... that it spanks their ass ;) Compressors date back hundreds, even thousands -- if you count the basic bellows -- of years, and are all around us. The vast majority of cooling devices -- including home and auto air conditioners, refrigerators, and freezers -- use a compressor. Dentists tools are powered by compressed air, as are many tools used in home, auto, and machine shops. Inflators blow up our balls and tires, baseboards are tacked in place using pneumatic nailers, big rigs use air brakes powered by a compressor, and the consumer air compressor has long been a staple among home tools. You can buy compressors all over the place, from Home Depot to Sears, Amazon to Walmart. This is well and long-proven technology. And it works fabulously for spanking!
Moisture and the Compressor Tank
As noted on the Understand: Pneumatics for Spanking Power page, there's this thing that happens when you compress air. Any room's air has a tiny amount of moisture in it, and when you squish a bunch of it into a small space the resulting compressed air cannot hold the amount of water it started with. The bit of excess drops out. Over time, this moisture collects in the tank of your compressor. It this a "danger"? No.
There is a (mostly theoretical) possibility of danger, if you leave this water in the compressor tank for years... most likely decades, based on the best evidence available. Most compressors have a steel tank, and steel exposed to water eventually rusts. Despite being vastly overbuilt for the pressure involved, this rusting can eventually weaken the tank. There are a number of reports of tank failures in the form of pinhole leaks, and a couple -- over decades of wide availability of compressors in the modern form -- of actual tank burst events. In every case, many years of neglect have been involved. The concern of bursting tanks is, in truth, primarily a theoretical risk... in other words, it could happen, but doesn't actually happen.
No one denies that it's quite simple to prevent any danger associated with water in the tank: drain it periodically. Since many years of exposure are required, and because water collects quite slowly in the tank, taking a minute to drain the tank every few uses will completely prevent any issue. Every consumer compressor manual out there says the same thing, although in standard CYA form they ask you to do so after each use. I own several compressors, including one I've had for more than 20 years. I drain the tanks quite infrequently, and each continues to perform flawlessly.
Things About the System Exhaust
Compressed air starts in the room, is mechanically pressurized into the tank, proceeds through the regulator (which can restrict the amount of pressure passed forward), down the air hose, and into the solenoid valve. This valve is opened for a precisely controlled time to create each stroke. When open, the valve allows air to rush into the cylinder, thrusting the arm forward with great power and speed to create a stroke. When the valve closes, the air in the cylinder is released through the valve's exhaust port, allowing the cylinder to retract under return spring tension. As the cylinder retracts, its small volume of air is pushed out the exhaust port.
The folks at Robospanker have -- at various times -- suggested dangers in this exhausted air, including but probably not limited to "breathing hazards," carbon monoxide, toxic vapors, allergens, oil mist, and solid particles. They suggest that air compressors should "only be used in well-ventilated areas." Most of these alleged dangers come from two sections of most any air compressor manual. One relates to the use of the compressor to spray hazardous materials such as paint, herbicides, and insecticides. It is certainly true that you should only spray such things in a well-ventilated area and they do represent toxic vapors and such. It is equally obvious that these manuals do not say the compressor itself should only be used in a well-ventilated area... the concern is clearly specific to spraying this type of material. The second manual section notes that a consumer air compressor should not be used to directly provide air for breathing, either straight from the output or by filling a tank from which one later breathes. There are specialized systems designed for forced-air breathing and filling SCUBA tanks, and one does not use a general air compressor for these things. The warning about solid particles relates to the use of compressed air to blow surfaces clean... particles on the blown surface can be launched into the air. Honestly, it should be completely obvious that none of these sections are applicable to the use of a compressor with a spanking machine.
An air compressor does not create anything. It takes in room air, and puts out room air. That room air includes carbon monoxide (CO, a gas that is in air at about 0.2 PPM), both before and after it goes through the compressor. Air also includes water vapor and allergens... therefore, so does the compressor's exhaust. The only thing the SOM II system will add is a microscopic amount of compressor oil, which you (as a good owner) will add through the air hose to keep the cylinder and valve in excellent condition for years. Far from being a risk, any little mist from this lubrication exiting the exhaust port is exactly what protects the system, and presents absolutely no dangers according to the Material Saftey Data Sheets for these products.
Basically, the exhaust has the same things in it that the room air has already, and presents absolutely no "dangers." Don't run a hose from the valve exhaust and try to breathe from it and you are at no risk.
Things Referenced in Links That Aren't Relevant
In similar sleezeball tradition, Robospanker has habitually linked to information that isn't relevant in one way or another. Compressors come in all shapes and sizes, from very small units used for detailed airbrushing to thousand-horsepower monsters powering pnuematic systems at nuclear power plants. Compressors are used for a wide range of activities, from operating the brakes on large trucks to powering small drills used in dentistry. It is obvious to any thinking person that information about one application isn't necessarily relevant to a different application.
The first example I'll provide is the dentist. The modern suite of dental tools are powered primarily by compressed air. Yep, it's that safe! However, when blowing a tooth surface dry or running a drill inside a patient's mouth, you need exhausted air that incredibly clean. Especially since the mouth is quite likely to have open, bleeding wounds, that exhaust must be scrubbed of every possible contaminent. Companies that sell to dentistry and hospitals, such as Parker Domnick Hunter, talk about a level of air scrubbing that isn't relevant to any other application when they market their products. Things they say about air contamination in the dental environment have no relevance to air power for spanking.
Next, consider documentation and policies for a gigantic air compressor... the size of an average living room and powered by the equivalent of six minivans! A behemoth like this is loud, really loud. There's no doubt that it's in an environment where people wear hard hats and safety glasses, and most definitely hearing protection. However, this has nothing at all to do with the spanking compressor, a unit about the size of a breadbox, powered by about a 1 horsepower electric motor, and producing as much noise as a normal conversation. Obviously, you don't need hearing protection around such a compressor, because it isn't like the one at a nuclear power plant.
California Proposition 65: The Safe Drinking Water and Toxic Enforcement Act of 1986
You're probably pretty familiar with this type of statement: "WARNING: This product (or area) contains chemicals known to the State of California to cause cancer and birth defects or other reproductive harm. It's the blanket language compliant with Prop 65 in California, and indicates that a product or area may (or may not) contain an amount of one of 800+ chemicals on a California list... including things as diverse as lead, wood dust, and marijuana smoke. Technically, every power cord -- including the one on the Robospanker -- should be accompanied by this warning if sold in Califoria, because they all have a very small amount of lead in the outer insulation.
There's no penalty for applying this warning when it doesn't need to be applied, but a $2500 per day per violation civil fine for not doing so when you should. Because it's wise to put it on if there's any doubt, you'll find them all over lots of goods, and present at most businesses in California. In fact, you'll find that Amazon.com places this warning on every single product it sells which has a power cord, all lead crystal glassware, Tiffany-style lamps, and beauty products. This is the warning Robospanker found in one compressor manual, whose importer happens to operate from California. From this warning, they have claimed there is a "cancer risk of air compressors." In case it's not obvious, there isn't a single recorded instance of an air compressor as the cause of or a contributing factor to someone's cancer or birth defect.
You'll have to weigh this issue for yourself, of course. But I think most people understand that this warning is mostly a giant joke, unlike cancer itself, and finding it in one compressor manual because the importer happens to be located in California doesn't actually mean using an air compressor causes cancer ;) Heck, if you're worried, just buy a different compressor, since none of the other manufacturers have this warning!
Anything that Implies Robospanker Knows ANYTHING About Pneumatics
A couple of times, the Robospanker folks have written things based on alleged knowledge of pneumatics, but the things they've said make it clear that they're utterly clueless about the technology... even if you toss out the many bogus claims against compressors themselves. Every time they make a claim using this supposed expertise about pnuematics, it's bound to be wrong.
The ultimate example appeared shortly after the SOM II started taking their sales. In the obvious fiction titled "History of the Spanking Machine," they made many ridiclous claims, and in doing so unintentionally proved that they were clueless. If you believe their tale as written, the Robospanker folks didn't know that pneumatic hardware require lubrication, didn't know that an air compressor's tank builds up water over time and must be drained, found a minor noise so bothersome that they hunted down a muffler intended for incredibly loud devices, and gave up this development because of risks they themselves made up.
Taken together, only someone completely clueless about the workings of pneumatics could have written this article. What's more, some of their statements simply could not have occurred, leaving only the conclusion that a person unfamiliar with pneumatics made the whole thing up. If you think they might have actually had a pneumatic spanker at some point, visit their earliest websites on the Internet Wayback Machine. December 6, 2002 shows their earliest site, and although the pictures haven't archived there is a video of their crazy giant contraption from the same date. Aside from the observation that this thing give no more than a tiny pat, is there anything about pneumatics? No. In fact, there's nothing on the subject throughout the archive until the bogus claims come up in response to the SOM II release.
Robospanker makes a similar mistake when they make up a "design flaw" with the SOM II system, that being the lack of a dryer/water separator "in the pneumatic circuit." First, pneumatic systems such as the SOM II are a linear system, not a circuit. Air comes in one end and goes out the other, it does not cycle around a circuit like electricity. Second, despite again claiming a dryer prevents water buildup in the tank, as they did in the fictional History, it's simply not true. Water separators work AFTER the tank... aside from dehumidifying the vast volumes of air going into the compressor, which is both unnecessary and impractical, there is no way to avoid the basic physics that results in moisture in the tank. More importantly, with a short system like the SOM II it is utterly unnecessary to dry the air. It is important to lubricate the moving parts -- in this case by manually adding a few drops of oil before each use -- and doing so is what protects their useful life. With proper lubrication, the small amount of water proceeding through the system is totally immaterial, and it would be a waste to purchase and maintain a water separator to do something about it.
In summary, any time the folks at Robospanker try to talk with any expertise about pneumatics, please remember that they aren't experts. They aren't even decent novices. They've proven that they know nothing about pneumatics, and most of what they say on the topic is actually false. A typical education at "Google-U" ;)
The Phenomenon of Magic Testimonials
I don't know if the testimonials on the Robospanker site are real, fake or a combination thereof, and don't claim to have this knowledge. However, they do occasionally appear to be Magic Testimonials. I observed on my site that their machine was not suited for use by a person who simply wants to lie (and this time I mean resting in a horizontal position!) on a bed. I originally made this statement about their giant older design, but it holds true for their current model as well, which you would have to put on the bed with you if you bed is of normal or greater height... and have an ass exactly 10" tall! Their response to my observation came with the following addition to the Robospanker's "True Testimonals" page:
Of course, it seems remarkably handy that just as you're defending against an accurate observation that your machine design doesn't nicely accomodate spanking someone lying on a bed, in comes a testimonial proclaiming it's superb at exactly that! Such luck does not strike often... it seems a once in a lifetime coincidence, and almost like magic. Fast forward to Robospanker's response to my videos, especially the power comparison that clearly shows the SOM II is much more powerful than the DD Machinery product. They've called those videos fake. And what do you know? They also add a new "True Testimonial":
Simply amazing! Just when there's video evidence proving your machine is weak, a customer writes you. Not only does this customer know about the SOM II, he has tried one... and refers to it just like the Robospanker folks do, as this other nameless machine powered by an air compressor! This amazing customer says not only does the Robospanker machine hit as hard, it might even hit harder! He's also beating the "air compressors are loud" drum just like the Robospanker folks like to do... he sure is glad that he bought the Robospanker. Why, this testimonial could have been written by the same folks who authored the Robospanker website, right down to "a friend of mines" and "boy was I presently surprised"! THIS is truly a Magic Testimonial!
If you read a testimonial on this site, it's the text that someone who bought and used my product wrote to me. They don't appear by magic saying just what I most need them to, and I don't make them up myself. You can decide if the same can be said of Robospanker's Magic Testimonials. Consider Robospanker's over-the-top denial, all the while admiting that they "change the language some." If you "change the language" it's no longer a customer's testimonial, period. Did these start as things written by real, other people? Maybe. But in my experience testimonials do not appear by magic saying exactly what you need them to, exactly when you'd like to hear it, and it's not a testimonial if you change what an author says.
One for Robospanker
If you've reviewed the Robospanker site, you know they're big readers of air compressor manuals (all of the sudden... they didn't read them when supposedly developing a pneumatic spanker!), particularly to mis-apply the various warnings that they contain. It occurs to me that I should return the favor, but no need to mis-apply or take out of context.
They claim of their machine "its internal components are built to heavy duty industrial standards" and from the FAQ "Robospanker has a heavy duty industrial type design. All bearings and drive mechanisms meets industrial standards." This was more true of their earlier product, which had an industrial motor and speed control similar to my sex machines, but their new model certainly doesn't agree with this description. They cut corners with cheaper parts in order to get the price down and attempt to compete. The striking power, slight though it may be, is provided by a consumer rubber tarp strap (certainly not "industrial"). The motor is a wiper or window motor from some sort of truck... might be a commercial truck, but it's not an industrial motor. The speed control system consists of a cheap consumer-grade transformer (to get 12 volts from 120 volts), a decent bridge rectifier (to turn AC into DC), and a Lutron brand light dimmer (to lower the voltage as a way to control speed). This combination CERTAINLY is not an industrial design and DEFINITELY does not meet industrial standards.
In fact, I'd like to focus briefly on the last component I named, the light dimmer. I picked up quite a similar hand-held, corded dimmer in white at a Lowes for $10. I found the "manual" (a tri-folded little piece of paper) quite interesting. It reads, in part "CAUTION:To avoid overheating and possible damage to other equipment, do not use to control receptacles, flourescent lighting fixtures, motor-operated appliances, or transformer-supplied appliances." Robospanker should definitely make you aware that they are using this same sort of dimmer to control a motor-driven, transformer-supplied appliance, and according to the manufacturer this dimmer may overheat and possibly cause damage to other equipment the way they are using it. You can find similar information noting that you must use a fan speed dimmer instead of a light dimmer control all over the place, including DD Machinery favorite eHow. eHow isn't usually a very good source of information, but this construction-related article is actually written by someone with a construction background. If you might use these instruction, please note one missing factoid... you cannot put a fan motor dimmer on a fan with a light kit, unless the light kit is wired to a separate wall switch.
Learn: SOM II
See: Video of the SOM II
Control: Take Control of the SOM II
Hear: Testimonials for the SOM II
Compare: SOM II vs. the Competition
Understand: Pneumatics for Spanking Power
Enlighten: Find Truth Through the Competition's Lies